Letter from an Agnostic
Not to be outdone by Revolution, here is a letter I received from my friend and Metamorphosis attendee, Kenny, a few years ago. He is still one of the most regular guests of — and quite vocal participant in — Metamorphosis.
To me, the Bible seems like such a fairy tale. This is because a lot of the stories seem to be like Aesop’s fables: universal tales that are meant to impart a message, even though they contain ridiculous things like animals talking and miracles. I think that this mental association with children’s stories being ridiculous leads me to subconsciously dismiss the Bible as absurd when I read its literal translation. This is a serious problem with my ability to have a coherent experience with the Bible itself, even when I can totally be digging the ideas of God’s grace and love, which, if you don’t know by now, are the things that really get me excited about Christianity and basically keep me searching.
Another huge thought is that the Bible has a lot of pressure. It is supposed to be the only thing in our physical realm that is a tangible grasp of divinity. Can you think of some way to put the amazing abstractions of God’s love and grace into the physical realm without it losing its potency?
There are things that the human mind wasn’t meant to grasp, like infinite space and time and a sinless creator, which are in the Bible. It wasn’t meant to be taken and swallowed whole quickly as I understand it. Sin tells us to cling to its inconsistencies, its unbelievable stories, repetition, and customs of the day to discredit it.
You may have heard me make this argument before — I call it my “God dropped the Bible” argument sometimes. The Bible, supposed to be infallible, has been placed into the world of man somehow. It has been written by man’s hands, copied, and translated. Though perhaps a “divine” work, we can’t expect it to heal the sick, convert at the slightest perusal, or even clearly make legible the ideas it contains. The Bible is the best we got to do the best we can with. I’m done picking it apart. Because I am a “godless man” I’m finished trying to prove the Bible to be silly. This is because I realize that the message itself tells me that sin exists in this world and will discredit God whenever it can. If I allow my idiosyncrasies of interpretation or an argumentative examination of semantics to pervert the truer rhetoric of faith implied by the text that we call the Bible, I am doing nothing more than looking for reasons to not believe in a universal truth. Also, the only reason I would want to pick it apart is sinful: to be better, or smarter, or say, “Ha! Ha! You dumb Christian!” That is evil purposes to evil means. I don’t want to do that. My heart tells me that I want to prove something, but I think I’m really just trying to serve myself when I do that.
I said once that I don’t see how anyone could look at all these other “twice removed” religious texts (different professionals’ interpretations of the Bible) because it seems like just one more removal from God. I have since recanted. I understand that because of where I am in this day and age, the modern America that is so far removed from the ideas of the Bible in so many ways, that I am handicapped when it comes to the Bible. Stack this on top of my non-religious upbringing, and you may well ask yourself why I come to Metamorphosis at all!
I must acknowledge that the only reason I give religion a flying holler is because I am in a most interesting and unique position. I identify with Paul a lot because he used to kill Christians and hate them. Then what happened? He just so happened to be touched by God and ended up fucking writing most of the New Testament. That is amazing to me. What other religion would put so bold a claim into their religious text, to be seriously believed? This is really important! Exactly what needed to happen to him to convert him happened. It was the last thing he or anyone else expected. And his hate, which was so strong, turned into so much love!
I always thought religion was the opposite of logic and reason. I thought it was so fucking dumb, that it offered hope to a bunch of mindless sheep that are too weak to deal with life with the looming possibility that their everyday existence was as good as it gets. I was an atheist smart enough to argue against Christianity with my natural “gift” of logic and win against dumb Christians, which bolstered my non-belief. I thought I was so fucking smart. Then, what should happen but my father marrying someone half his age when nobody ever thought that he would even look at another woman again, her converting and leaving her job to go teach at a Lutheran university, and me deciding that going to the army like other poor kids was a stupid choice because I could get a free college education when all I had to do was tolerate religion! What a humbling experience! My swift and sure transition to agnosticism, the belief that God cannot be proved or disproved, soon followed. Though seemingly a bullshit belief, it is a huge difference from atheism. I was made to look at myself and something that I took so much pride in and say, “This is founded on ignorance. I thought God didn’t exist because I loved convincing myself that I was smarter than religious people, when really, I just never met a smart one.” Not my fault I guess, but the point to all of this rambling is that exactly what needed to happen, however improbable, happened to convert me from atheism. There is an unspoken eventual hope of conversion to Christianity of course, but the former thought deserves a moment.
Now that you know my life history, you know why I come to Metamorphosis, willingly, every week, a monumental task in itself because of my history. So it seems silly now to ask God, “Gee, you really worked a doozy back there making me go to Concordia University. Didn’t see that one coming. Now all I need is a little more kick in the ass to read the Bible and understand it.” That seems selfish, right? Well, no. God is all loving. He’ll give, no problem. So in comes Khad and everyone else with Metamorphosis. And here I am, wanting to believe and getting help on all sides.
Obviously, I could expound forever on this subject. However, my head is fucking spinning, so content yourself with the previous words. I hope I gave you something to think about, and I hope that gives you something to say. Please share this with whomever you see fit.
