Redefining Marriage
Two consenting adults is a much easier proposition to assent, and I think that’s what most people focus on. But is there perhaps a diminishing of the sexual roles both men and women possess when we redefine marriage? Specifically, how might this affect children?
I’m not sure what’s prompting me to write about this, other than the National Organization for Marriage ad that was just linked on Revolution NYC’s blog. Though I feel like I have to have some huge disclaimer — there actually is one on the Revolution blog post — before I can express my views on marriage.
What I’m writing here does not pertain to the same-sex marriage debate, the gay marriage ban, or lesbian lover legislation in the way most discourse on the topic does. I am not expressing condemnation of anyone, rather a heartfelt apprehension. I am trying to ask questions and further a discussion not shut anyone down.
Watching that ad, my mind goes to Donald Miller. No, it’s not because he’s gay. As far as we know, he is not. What we do know is that he has done a lot of work for fatherless children, including — but probably not limited to — writing a book and founding The Mentoring Project.
In his book, To Own a Dragon, he speaks of growing up without a father:
I wondered if there isn’t a better paradigm for our existence — a way of being men, a way each of us could truly embrace if it were instilled in us by a man who spoke with altruism and authority. I wondered if people who grow up with great fathers don’t walk around with a subconscious sense they are wanted on this planet, that they belong, and the world needs them. And I wondered this: Is there practical information we are supposed to know about work, women, decisions, authority, leadership, marriage, and family that we would have learned if there were a guide around to help us navigate our journey? I wondered if some of the confusing emotions I was feeling weren’t a kind of suspended adolescence from which the presence of an older man might have delivered me.
Which is, of course, why he started The Mentoring Project: out of a deep concern for children growing up without dads.
Boys learn to be men from their fathers. Girls learn to be women from their mothers. Single-parent homes are hard on kids, but I don’t believe that it’s just because there is only one parent. It’s not a question of quantity but of quality. Having two moms would not have given me the opportunity to learn by means of daily firsthand example how a husband ought to treat his wife. If I was gay, would I be particularly confused if I had two moms? How would I know how two men ought to behave together or what to expect from him?
That is probably my biggest concern with regard to “redefining marriage.” I worry about our already confused and difficult gender roles. I worry about the impact essentially removing the distinction between men and women will have on future generations.
Biologically and psychologically, I just can’t understand how redefining marriage is an unequivocal win for future generations. Might children get caught in the crossfire?
